Stop motion from the 1970s. Ancient and all knowing in his jerky movements and wildly spinning.eyes. Orphaned under mysterious circumstances, raised by elves in the woods. Unfamiliar with human customs. Pure of heart.
6/10 Santas
2. Nightmare Before Christmas Santa
Needs a fucking vacation. Takes no shit. May never trust children again. Will bitch slap a skeleton if needed and invite his gf to tea.
11/10 Santas
3. Netflix’s Christmas Chronicles Santa (or, Kurt Russell Santa)
Potent sexual energy, more than any santa should ever have. Has the ugliest elves ever, all of them disturbing crosses of a cat, Gremlin, and rodent-like creature. Historically, if this santa doesn’t do his job, wars literally happen as a result (remember WWI? Apparently this guy didn’t finish his deliveries all 4 years). Does crime and kidnaps children and actually ends up in jail.
3/10 Santas
4. Rise of the Guardians Santa
The most powerful Santa, but also the most vulnerable. Can snap Kurt Russell Santa over his knee. Is Russian. Carries two literal scimitars to cut a bitch down to size. But must rely on children believing in him to stay alive.
10/10 Santas
5. Tim Allen Santa
The most lethal santa of all, murdered his way to the top. committed the egregious sin of being played by tim allen
It’s especially hilarious when you keep in mind that the main artefact sumgglers around that time were ISIS, who funded their operations with that. So yeah, it’s not a stretch to say that Hobby Lobby funded ISIS
How did Hobby Lobby make everyone forget about that
Never forget Hobby Lobby’s Hammurabi-robbing hobby.
